Awareness, Health, Neurodiversity, Neurological

Stuttering and how it affects me

“Stuttering or stammering, in its simplest form, is any disruption to speech fluency. This could be repetitions, prolongations, or blocks and may occur anywhere in the word or phrase. Nerves or anxiety does not cause stuttering. Stuttering is a neurophysiological disorder. Oftentimes, it is the stuttering that causes anxiety.”

“Stuttering is believed to occur due to dysfunctional blood flow in certain areas of the brain.”

How stuttering has manifested for me:

Blockages; going mute. Also known as stutter blocks. I’ll know exactly what I want to say, but I physically cannot get the words out. They are stuck in my chest, head or throat/jaw. This has made it quite hard to communicate a lot of the time, and to make friends or be social in general. I often rehearse sentences in my head, and get overjoyed if I manage to say it out loud with fluency. This takes a lot of effort, and is why I prefer writing or any other form of communication. I also struggle some with phone calls.

The blocks makes me say “Uummm” a lot too, to kind of fill in the time because I really want to get the next word out, which is quite stressful. I do fear it makes me sound dumb or slow, and it does kill my confidence, especially if I am with people I want to talk a lot with or I know I have a lot to say on the topic we are discussing. I usually have no problem talking to animals, close old friends, chant buddhist mantras or in certain situations where I don’t feel a pressure to say anything. But those situations are rare, and I would love to learn how to “unblock” my speech, which is why I am doing speech therapy too,

Do you have a speech problem, and/or something similar? Let me know how you deal with it.

Thank for reading

Monica xx

Skulsfjord, 2019
Arctic, Chronic illness, Dharma, Dzogchen, Everyday life, Food, Hair, Health, List, Migraine, People, Photography, Pregnancy, Saami, Sámi, Sápmi, Spirituality, Vajrayana

Currently…

Been about a year since I wrote one of my currently-lists. So felt like doing another one now in the late hours of the night 🌌🙂 Here we go, I am currently…:

November light

Reading: What’s Next: On Post Awakening Practice by Kim Pema Rinpoche. Second time I read it, just to understand it all better, as it is very technical. He describes the process of analysing your own and other people’s energy body from a tantric point of view. Highly recommend. If you click the link you find the pdf book for free.

Watching: Not really watching any series at the moment. Just random documentaries on youtube. Watched this one two days ago and found it very good. It’s on the topic of brain health. Something that interests me quite a lot, having some brain problems myself, from concussion, chronic migraines, viral infection, and neurodiversity.

Drinking every day: I wish I could write coffee. Five cups a day. But alas, I have cut the caffeine until our son is born 🖤 So currently drinking cocoa with MCT oil every day.

Eating every day: Hands down; kiwi fruits. Big craving of mine 🤰🥝 Also, blood sausage. Definitely getting my vitamin C and iron in an abundance.

Around 6 months

Happy about: Very excited about my pregnancy. It’s been so wanted for us. I almost feel like I talk and share too much about it! I feel so cute and funny looking in the mirror. Like a little hippo 🙂 I love feeling his little feet kicking. Time flies though, and it all seems a bit unreal at times. Nine months sounds so long but actually all the weeks and months just go by.. Can’t wait to meet him. It will be unreal too, I am sure. Not long now.

Not so happy about: Feeling quite raw and vulnerable. Could be the hormones. I am sure every pregnant person ever has felt this way. Fortunate to have women around me who have given birth to give advice and words of encouragement.

Thankful for: That I am actively seeking more help for my health problems. And that I live somewhere there is help to seek. It seems some changes has been made with the covid situation, but not so strict here that already chronically ill people cannot get any help. To be honest, if I didn’t have internet or media around me, I think I would not even know there was a pandemic going on. My daily life has not changed with the pandemic; my disabilities keep me mostly in one place, as has been the case for years, and my days look the same. I leave the house maybe once or twice a week and a lot of my ‘activities’ are online, chatting with friends, watching documentaries, keeping in touch with my sangha and edit photos once in a while. The only thing I have noticed is that I miss being able to travel, to go see loved ones and attend yoga retreats.

What is one or more things from the list you are currently doing?

How is the pandemic affecting you?

Arctic, Culture, DIY, Everyday life, Food, Health, Heritage, Indigenous, Knitting, Outfit, People, Photography, Pregnancy, Saami, Sámi, Sápmi

Vinterbaby, part 2

Gleder meg ihjel til å kle mini-me’en i de gamle klærne ho bestemor laga til oss da vi var små ❤ Mine gamle lobber i grå og blå.
Fikk et nydelig marinoullpledd fra mamma og søster. Samt andre babyting med dyretema fra venninner 🙌🏻 Selen kjøpte jeg helt ærlig til meg selv 😅 Kjempemyk og søt!
Kan brukes som pute og sofapynt 😄 Kan hende beiben får låne den 😉
Viktig å spille litt musikk for han 😁🎧
Har også brukt en del tid på å se gjennom gamle baby -og barnebilder av meg selv og min barndom. Det er kanskje sånn som skjer automatisk når man er gravid 😄❄ Blir nok ikke å legge ut noen bilder offentlig av podden, men gøy å dele tiden fram til han kommer ☺
Ble overraska av de beste jentene jeg vet om med babyshower 💎 Helt fantastisk.. de greide til og med å lure meg! En av de desidert største høydepunktene i 2020. Tusen takk! Tenk å ha slike venner.
De hadde til og med laga bleiekake – helt selv fra scratch. Med lamabamse 🤩
Må også dele bilde fra noen uker siden da jeg fant ut at antrekket mitt ligna litt for mye på en viss kar 🙄
Min største gravid-craving så langt 🥝
Ikke så mange uker igjen nå, syns ukene og månedene har gått ekstremt fort. Kommer til å savne å se ut som mummitrollet 😛
Arctic, Beauty, Everyday life, Hair, Health, Indigenous, Landscape, Saami, Sámi, Sápmi, Uralic

Snart november

Fant meg en fin plass i fjæra til å meditere samt se på fargespillet på himmelen som alltid skjer nært mørketida.
Alle bildene er tatt med mobilen, så beklager kvaliteten 🙈
Frost 🍂
Pastellhimmel.
Regnbuefarger.
Kaldere vær betyr store jakker og ullsjal ❤ Er ikke så mange jakker som passer over magen lenger 😄🤰 Månedene flyr forbi, er allerede i siste trimester 💜🌌

Hvordan takler/liker du mørketida?

Dharma, Everyday life, Health, Spirituality

Sunday

The body will carry you through your whole life, however long or short it will be. It will be your boat as you cross the waters of existence, and thus we should treat it with kindness and give it the nourishment it needs to flourish. If you are stricken with illness at any age, young or old, do what you can to support the body through it. If it is chronic and not possible to cure, still; treat it with kindness and nourishment, as you would a helpless child.

Adventure, Arctic, DIY, Everyday life, Health, Indigenous, Outfit, People, Photography, Saami, Sápmi, Uralic

Vinterbaby, part 1

Fikk endelig “møte” den lille som kommer tidlig neste år 👼
💜
Søte samiske tøfler jeg kjøpte for litt over to år siden i Kirkenes 😊
Håndstrikket av den kommende farmor 🌹
En vintage brukt sparkedress fra Etsy
Masse fint brukt og gratis
Dundress til vinterbabyen☃️ samt liten lue og genser også kjøpt for noen år siden! Fant også en billig bra sutt på ‘Normal’ i naturgummi. 💛

Art, Awareness, Dharma, DIY, Everyday life, Health, Landscape, Spirituality, Tattoo

Pro tip

Pro tip from a veteran 😸 a lot of chronically ill people have to self isolate every year, sometimes for months, myself included. Especially in flu season or during a flare up in symptoms. So, my pro tip is to find something specific to concentrate on. For me it has been art and mahayana buddhist yoga. I am not exaggerating when I say it has saved me and given me so much out of life. Also, rest a lot. Don’t feel like you have to do something all the time. No one really cares what you do with your time and energy, so make yourself comfortable in the uncertainty. 🙏🏼🍀🤓

Awareness, Everyday life, Health, Photography, Photoshoot, Relationship, Spirituality

Love is love

Portrait by Irina Bileanschi from 2016

If someone asked you ‘why’ you love your SO, partner or a crush, you could probably list a bunch if their nice qualities and things about them that you appreciate. But that is not WHY you love someone, because you can list the same qualities in a bunch of other people you don’t love. In fact, someone you hate can be extremely talented or compassionate. Your feelings towards or for someone does not change them.

These qualities and traits is probably something you noticed *after* getting feelings of love and affection. Love is funny and amazing like that; it will open your eyes and heart, and is not something you can ever control with your will or thoughts. It will also make one go the extra mile.

As far as I can tell, love just happens based on factors I do not understand entirely. Also, I think love and compassion is our basic nature. Humans are complicated, relationships are usually difficult, not always compatible, but often worth it.


Love is love. Not in a naïve way where everything goes, but in a very basic human way, and there are as many ways of expressing it as there are people.

Everyday life, Health, List, Quotes, Relationship

Currently…

Reading: Nothing actually.. I loaned a bunch of book at the library, but I think maybe borrowing/buying books is an entirely different hobby than actually reading them!

Watching: Random nature documentaries mostly..:)

Listening to on Audible: A wizard of Earthsea by Ursula Le Guin (got it recommended by a friend on Facebook)

Drinking every day: Coffee. And more coffee 😀 (should drink more water..)

Happy about: Made new friends lately, and also understanding my own “language” better, how I think and relate to the world around me.

Not so happy about: Being in constant physical pain, so much that I cannot function properly. And I struggle expressing how bad it actually is, because it doesn’t show from the outside. My back, neck, face and head is so painful, that painkillers aren’t working anymore, and I am at a loss what to do.

Thankful for: People who love me. Cliché but true 🙂

Dharma, Everyday life, Health, List, Music, Outfit

Authenticity

Purple and green, velvet and wool.

What is authenticity, as in being authentic? I have been thinking about this lately, although I can barely spell the word. Is is being completely transparent and honest all the time? Is it being open about your struggles, hopes and dreams? Or is it to be so in touch with your true nature & your personality that you simply cannot be anything else?

I think it might be a combination of all these, as honesty, openness and personality all seem to shine forth automatically when one is resting in one’s natural state. My goal would at least be to try and live in such a way that I am not fooling myself or those around me. I find it difficult though. By fooling, I mean that I don’t always speak my mind when I should. Sometimes I choose holding onto resentment. Sometimes I even nod along to things I don’t agree with. Sometimes I dress differently than I would like to, just to fit in.

I have been trying lately to be more open about what my experience is, it feels a bit dishonest and lonely to not do so. From a relative point of view, I have lots of labels on myself, and I try to speak openly about these matters, both in conversations and on social media. I don’t feel like hiding these aspects of me. They are useful to relate to other people and for me to navigate myself in the world, and find meaningful relations. I am all of these things and that’s okay 🙂

  • buddhist
  • bisexual
  • polyamorous
  • autistic/atypical
  • feminist
  • artistic
  • indigenous
  • chronically ill

From an absolute point of view, I guess none of these labels matter. But I am still trying to understand the absolute, so I think maybe I should not write too much about what I still need to learn and live first hand.

Hope everyone had a lovely Christmas and has a Happy new year! ❤